My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
