Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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