I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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