So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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