my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
