I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
