I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We are two peas in an std pod
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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