every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
