new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
