I got chris browned last night
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
