i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
