As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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