Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
im on a boat
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