Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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