You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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