In the future we'll all be gay
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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