i wish my penis had a tongue
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
