Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
