OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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