I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
