so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
