I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
