Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
