is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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