do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
