Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
