Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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