I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
