in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
