I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
