we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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