Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
