Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
