Got a toothbrush?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
