i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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