when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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