And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
