mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just forgot I was standing up.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
