listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
