Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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