A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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