I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
