I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
