I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
