i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
