we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
