I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What a dumb baby whore.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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