Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
