Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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