did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
