I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
