My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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